I blame my mother for all of this.
First, she practically kidnaps me over holiday, then she has my bloody portrait painted, then she won't let me come back at beginning of term. Now I'll never catch up on my work! ARGH! Moony, where are all of your notes? Why aren't you keeping them under the
mattress bureau third board to the right in your school trunk like you did last term?
Ah, Christmas holiday. The joy of waking up to find presents piled at the foot of one's bed. To decorating the House Elves' heads with Santa hats and reindeer horns, only to have Mother chase me screaming out into the snow. What joyus memories.
Of course, Bellatrix is bringing her husband home for Christmas this year. Rudolph, his name is? Wonder if his nose glows red....Will have to make it do so if it doesn't naturally. And Narcissa will be there, naturally, sitting on the sofa and pouting prettily and demanding egg-nog and stomping her feet because her mum says she's "too young". She'll get it this year, she will. Whole bowful. Right over her head.
Whoever said "There's no place like home"? I prefer "You can't ever go back again." Nor would I want to. Bah humbug.
Tue, Nov. 26th, 1974, 02:55 am
And no thanks to those rotten Slytherin gits! They caught wind of my brilliant plan to put Exploding Snap cards in their robe pockets. Consequently, I have spent the last two weeks
in Hogsmeade stuck in this room that was decorated in Slytherin colors and had all of their House awards strewn about it. I wasn't in the Slytherin Common Room, though. I know that place like I know my own mother. And hate it just as much, too.
I managed to open the door to the room only once, and there was some sort of odd tapestry hanging across from me. Think it was some wizard and perhaps a troll or two, but I had to close it quick. There was a snake outside the door, coiled up, ready to strike if I set even one foot outside. Terrified, I was. Bloody thing was as tall as Hagrid. And twice as thick! I had to wait until the ruddy thing was sleeping, and even then I had to Stupefy it, just to make sure the thing wouldn't bite my head off in one gulp.
How did I get there, you ask? Quite a good question. I've even spent the last two weeks so desperate for company, I considered asking the snake. Well, the Slytherin berks cornered me after Defense Against the Dark Arts and shoved me into a Vanishing Cupboard. That's how they got me to that room. Of course I could have stopped it if I'd hexed them, but that would have been entirely unfair of me, them being possessed of inferior magic skills and all.
...Bloody hell. Looks like I've sprouted a conscience. I must see Madam Pomfrey about this at once.
They will pay, however. Peter, Remus, James! Make sure you keep your noses plugged tomorrow morning at breakfast! Here is my devious plot: On my way back to the Gryffindor Common Room from the Room of my Imprionsment, I swung by the Slytherin Loos (thanks for the passwords, Moony!). I have exchanged their vanilla scented soaps and lotions for vanilla scented yoghurts. Here, my boys, is to the sweet, curdled smell of revenge served cold!
Regulus paid me a visit at lunch this afternoon. It's quite sad that the mere sight of my little brother now ruins my appetite. He came dashing up to the Gryffindor table, and plopped down across from me.
"You know what this is?" he asked, waving a scroll of parchment at me.
"Is it our dear mother's obituary?" I asked, trying to keep from flinging a spoonful of recently mashed banana at his forehead.
This apparently wasn't the answer he wanted.
"No, Sirius," he answered. "This is an owl from Mother, who is very much alive. She inquired as to the health, grades, and general well-being of her younger, favorite son....and not you," he added. This time he sounded as if he really cared, as if I mattered in the grand scheme of his life. I almost believed him, too.
"Who cares, Regulus? I'm about ready to blast myself off of the family tree and save Mother the trouble."
"Sirius, if you'd only listen to what Mother and Father have to say-"
"I don't want to." And with that, I did fling the mashed banana. Hit him in the eye, I did. The wet squelching was quite satisfying. He began to huff quite indignantly and I got up and walked out of the Great Hall. James, Remus, and Peter looked at me a bit funny, and I'm sure they'll ask me about it later, but I really don't care.
Is it normal to wish your parents dead?
So. At breakfast this morning, a particular glob of food happened to sail through the air and hit a particular Slytherin cousin of mine in the back of the head. This, of course, was quite satisfying for a certain Gryffindor.
Unfortunately, it sailed from the direction of the Hufflepuff table. Said cousin marched up to the Hufflepuff table, wand in hand, demanding that the perpetrator reveal himself.
Eventually, this particular cousin blamed the whole fiasco on Dorcas Meadowes. "Did you fling minced pork at my head?" asked Cousin Dearest oh so sweetly with said glop absolutely just sliding out of her stringy tresses.
Sweet Dorcas glanced at Cousin over the top of the book she was reading. "Certainly not. And kindly stop dripping it into my pumpkin juice." Cousin began to turn beet red about the ear tips.
"Admit your transgression, or I shall make you humiliate yourself in front of the whole school!" she screeched, leveling her wand at Dorcas. Darling Dorcas merely took her book and calmly clocked Cousin about the jaw with it. Sent Cousin flying, she did. Over the Ravenclaw table. Arse over elbows. I shall never forget the way her feet flew up over her head that way.
Then, Charming Dorcas took her glass of spoilt pumpkin juice, marched over to Cousin and upturned it over her head. "Bellatrix," Dorcas said to Cousin, "never blame me for crimes I am innocent of again. Or it is I who shall be humiliating you."
The entire Great Hall applauded Dorcas that day. Except for those Slytherin gits. But they don't count.
I woke to find it had all been but a glorious dream.
I was in such a generous mood (thanks to said imagined thrashing of Cousin Trixie), I was even able to forgive Snape when my Engorgement Potion exploded later today. Of course, it did spill only on him, but that's beside the point.
The Slytherins are idiots and Gryffindors rule all. We used James's Invisibility Cloak, broke into the Slytherin Dungeons, and painted them in Red and Gold! Three days later and the idiots still haven't figured out how to change it back! And the berks act like they're suffering! HA!
And as for Snape...Prongs and Moony came up with the idea of Charming his hair in brilliant red and gold stripes as well. Unfortunately, the grease repelled the Charm. How could we have known? Well, I washed his hair with rose-scented shampoo several times.
Hands still smell like rotted gillyweed from touching that... Amazingly, he never woke up. He's still acting bitter that he smells pretty, though. *sigh* You would think that would have improved his spirits, no?
I have a very strong feeling that Snape may be visited by a Grim at breakfast next week if he continues to try to blow up my Potions during class.
I have determined that my next battle will be taking on the Slytherins. Phooey on them. They have caused me many grievances lately. The least of which involved a particular Bat and broom, and shall henceforth go unmentioned. I think I shall sneak into their common room and decorate it in shades of red and gold. Perhaps also turn all their uniforms Gryffindor colors. And their banners as well. Look out Snape! Your hair's going to smell like roses for weeks!
I suppose I must introduce myself now? Moony and his ridiculous rules. "You must tell them who you are, Padfoot. Let them get to know you." You ruin all my fun, Moony. Do you know that?
I am Sirius Black from the Noble and Most Ancient....Yeah. I'm Sirius. Pronounced "Sir-eeuhs" not "Seer-ious"; so we'll have no more of these "Sirius is serious" jokes will we?
Prongs has already run the joke over with the Hogwarts Express. Twice. Dark Magic is bad; History of Magic is boring and therefore equally evil. Dungbombs are good, but trouncing Snape is better. Someday I think I'd like to work for the Ministry - be a HitWizard. But I'm not sure yet. Right now I'm just enjoying being the Gryffindor Beater. And hexing Snape in the hallways.
And that day is today! For I have conquered the quill and parchment! And the rest of the world shall follow shortly! *Bwahahaha* I am the One and Only Ruler of all. Worship me.